There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
