i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm too high and old for this...
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
