She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
