I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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