I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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