trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
