I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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