I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
