I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
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I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
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FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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