I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
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Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
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Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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