this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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