I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Randomize
