I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
