just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
