You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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