Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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