after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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