allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
