why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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