Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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