I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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