Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I AM VODKA MAN
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
