So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
My ass is underappreciated
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
