is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
