I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
