I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
