then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
