dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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