It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
