Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
