I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
