Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
