i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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