I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
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