Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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