I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
