I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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