I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
