somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
