I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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