Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
