I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
