It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
