Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
