i may or may not be watching the land before time
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
