What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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