No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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