Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
