i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
