Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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