i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
