It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
