I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
