Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
