The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
nutella sex= disaster
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
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