maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
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