i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
