Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
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Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
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I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
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